all my life I’ve presented well. With raised had to be strong raised raised was raised was raised I was a chronic debilitating disease that has no cure no one talks about it no one acts on it I had to write a term paper on it when I was 10 years old that’s just the way I was raised. I had to be strong in a family that had so many Islams in it isms alcoholism sexual abuse Masonic overtones so many things of course it was the 60s a time of change a time of revolution a time of enlightenment being released so much I’ve tried to let go of in my role as a human being so much I’ve tried to learn about the body in order to be closer to a god of my understanding so now I sit out here after 6 decades and a year of hell and more and I’m no more myself. I try but without a drug I no longer am able to take care of myself. It saddens me everyday I have to say I don’t know who will love me or take care of me when I’m needing to be fed it’s not something I’m looking forward to. Anything can happen. I was just born this way. I try real hard to be happy or healthy but God had another way another journey for me as I knew that it would be hard and I’m wrote in front of me is going to be harder and at some point there’ll be no More tears cuz I won’t be here. There’ll be no more pain cuz a god of my understanding of Christ and died for me has taken me and at last time blessed.
gratitude
for the grace of God has watched over me as I’ve been homeless these past several years. I have slept no dumpsters with bugs. I have been in homeless shelters that are not homeless shelters at all they are cots that I cannot get down to as I am disabled so I sleep in the bathroom to try to be safe and maybe make some thing to eat out of the hot water in the sink. And I have walked many a mile I have been pushed in my wheelchair many a mile. It’s overwhelming to me my body is weak sometimes my soul cries out and wails. I cannot keep it in I see and have seen too much veterans that can’t sleep with their wives separated disabled people push down on the ground pulled back in these supposable shelters these supposable helpful places that are not. From Nevada Arizona Oregon Washington finally I went back home where I can afford to live for the poorest people in the world live where me and my dog and my partner helped others and we were viable. We had a business to help others so we could afford a house we were put in by a mother that I think hates me finding out last year that I’m a bastard and that I’ve been the pink elephant in the room all my life. Has been devastating to me I’ve been put on the street hit by cars knocked out of my wheelchair it was electric I bought it and it disappeared in Arizona hopefully with the help of my new church family my new place where I can survive and be of some service even if it’s just a smile. To see someone in the morning that smiles at you is such a great gift it allows you to remember God and that you’re taking care of. When I was leaving ozami in New Orleans were they sent me I had nothing except my wheelchair and I started hitchhiking on a street with holes in it cracks unable to stay on the sidewalk unable to see the light waiting not knowing where I’m going just hitchhiking like I’ve done since I was a child to get away from something that was not right. Searching finding a man on a bike and then sir Reginald who pushed my chair and we went to the police station in New Orleans underneath where it said no entry but I went anyways because I needed help and the man that stopped on his bicycle that wanted to get me an Uber back up to Hammond where they had stolen my ID and my purse again another hospital stealing my identity and all my belongings it was overwhelming but I did not cry out I was thankful for sir Reginald that he pushed my chair and he knew where to go because he needed to charge his phone grateful to the man on the bicycle that he stopped and listened to me grateful to the officer that said stay here and that it was a good idea for him to pay for an $80 ride up to Hammond where I was able to get my belongings. At least some of them they still misplaced or stole my jacket whichever you want to believe. But God had reasons for all these things maybe allowing people to do good deeds. So I was then dropped at the Petro which I thought was an all night restaurant where I could gather myself but they closed so I spoke to the manager the manager called officers always officers always Kevlar no longer candy stripers as I was young when they took pictures and put me in the San Diego Tribune had a children’s hospital during my first operation. So the officers came and I told him my story they took me next door to the Days inn where I was able to get a room and I began to heal and they fed me and cleaned my room and took care of me so so wonderfully. But I needed to get to Gulfport where I could start a new life. Where I could walk again at least a little bit getting help after having whiplash in these so-called homeless shelters and being mistreated in them. Being mistreated and waking up after knowing I have a DNR in a hospital in restraints and a tube down my throat was again devastating. But God has a reason for all this they say. I cry I wail my body is unable to process some of these experiences but I believe through time the grief may leave or may not I believe you have to learn to live with grief. I have no other choice I have been kept here not of my own volition but of others. That is not what I wanted for my self my body or my soul. On the street yes we have some kind of code but I seem to be too kind and to imaginative I have been thrown to the ground. I have blead my blood has been spilled in Nevada my body has fallen in Oregon my spirit has been crushed by many. To come back from this I wake up now in a motel I cannot afford in a place that when they clean the other rooms they have bugs that come into my room. I now have someone that is abusive and talks to me and doesn’t help me or clean my room. I do not get touched I do not have a friend. I am gaining friends which is very scary too be vulnerable to anyone that says they want to help me. I pray tomorrow is a better day I am grateful that the night manager always has a smile and for that I’m able to smile also because the beauty of a smile allows you to believe you’re okay for a moment. It’s peaceful and kind and caring enough to know they have something you don’t at the moment. I was able to take my first shower after not having a shower for 2 months yet I could not get my sheets changed because they seem so angry and so chaotic care just like the hotel programming Albany Oregon were they stole my mail and said they were helping the homeless. They did nothing for me they did not get me to any place of importance that they said they would. So I flew out of there as soon as I could but the airline lost my chair broke my bag tossed my stuff in another bag they found in the lost and found. I was an artist once I became an artist here in Gulfport after being after falling as a over the road truck driver after doing millions of miles in the United States and provinces of Canada. I have owned homes and trailers that I have renovated I have helped others to have homes that they could afford I’ve been on brain injury waivers in three states but they had no housing. Which is a lie you can make a home for anyone out of pallets they have shown that you can make a home for less than $500 where someone could live. In Seattle I heard a man built shelter had a pallets for human beings to have a place that is safe enough. Safety and security have never been in my life I have walked as I believe and tried to overcome my DNA a mother that competes with me that was brought up the Masonic that’s slept with her older sister and her husband until she was 18. I have no anger toward her eye came here to give love when I was young and I fell off the back of a station wagon and then ran into a tree and broke my jaw so I woke up and I saw a spirit at the door and it wanted me to go out the door but I could not I had to ask someone because I wasn’t supposed to open that door but the light through the crack of the door was intense so a baby opened the sliding glass door and the redwood fence and went out to the garage where I found my daddy painting his truck I explained to him he asked me why I stayed I said I stayed for you. I have only love to give because I have no choice I am love. I know no other way of living though through grief and through my experiences it’s difficult to continue everyday I am not and do not fit in any box and I’m not affiliated with any denomination. I love all I see love and hear animals and I cannot help it I’ve worked very hard and alternative Care since the diagnosis of juvenile rheumatoid arthritis at 9 years old. I took the guilt and the well-being of myself off my mother’s shoulders at that moment and began to be in charge I was young and the knee didn’t bend and they told me I shouldn’t climb trees or run but I was a child and they told me that I may go blind which I have woken up to that I have woken up to my own skin flaking off of me all over not having any care in a place that I was told with my home forever. I do not know if my mother has Alzheimer’s or my brothers just want her money and that is why they made me homeless and made me abandoned in life. I do not know why I was as strange from my family estranged. All my life I have had no one I had a brother who told me I need to have someone take care of me so I stuck out my thumb and began walking out of Alpine California in San Diego county too the box El cajon got a ride from a motorcycle I had 4 in heels on trying to walk like others trying to be normal. Sex was my power I had learned through media movies after being sick most of my first decade of life and three operations. I had learned to navigate and learned that I had something called intuition. So I started to ask to allow that intuition to grow and learned alternative medicines alternative Care for everything they ever put me on became a class action suit. I’ve never received any money I’m not like that last year on April 9th I was hit by a car and thrown from my wheelchair. Dragged back into my wheelchair and told I was okay I’ve called 911 in the office left me there without anything on the streets of Arizona in lake Havasu City slept with people that would keep me warm slept near police stations where I could feel safe enough now as I write this I’m in a motel 6 in Gulfport with roaches with dirty sheets with the woman that yells at me it’s very abusive hitting the streets is always an option to me because at least I have peace that’s your passes all understanding. I have choices and yes I’m vulnerable to everything the weather to my surroundings to my needs to what happens next each day was wrong or right I can never know which I have had to enter many hospitals in many of these states maybe not of my own volition definitely not of my own volition blood on the streets of Nevada running down my face asking please don’t call anybody please don’t send me to the hospital I’m an artist please just allow me to be an artist. But when your identity gets stolen you have nothing you have to start over so I flew out of Nevada hoping that someone I loved was in Oregon someone I could love someone that could be soothing and caring to me but they could not. So I waited and I was taken again to someplace else to try to get help where there was none only another place that would not call 911 the drag me back in force me down on the ground where I could not get up from forced me to sleep in my own pee or pee my own space where others that have a little more that hadn’t been through what I had already been through judged me and would not help being locked in bathrooms and so-called hospitals with so-called Ada contraptions being a victim of violent crime once I landed in Armstrong airport after 2 days having my hip broken and knowing I had no more determination no more ability. No more ways of protecting myself. This is been my year this is my life this is who I am as I write this I try to kill another roach next to me hoping that it won’t get on the bed hoping that it won’t crawl on me crawl scamper I would never live like this my home is always been clean they say they have diagnosis for everything now OCD I had to become that so I could carry my load so I can Begin work at 9 years old and get my social security card and get on disability when I was 16 but yet I’m married my name changed and I was kept again this time it was just a man that I waved at on the streets of El cajon I did not know anything about fidelity because that was not something we had in our home I did not understand the principles before personalities that I learned in AA later on when I had to give up my child when she was 5 years old. She was raised without me I was never going to be a mommy ever again. But she is healthy she did not grow up in a masonic house she did not get touched. She was not the pink elephant she got brothers and sisters and a family and I’m grateful. I hope this next month brings me a home I pray this next month brings me a space that I can take care of and then I don’t have the trepidation of something crawling on me. I pray that God’s guides will be of service and I can accept that and I can learn to have friends again. I have met many people being a truck driver traveling all over the country speaking learning I learned fidelity I learned principles before personalities I never knew such grief is this past year has given me. I do not know what the future holds but I’m always ready to go God. I believe in euthanasia with love. I believe that no one has the right to my body and no piece of paper Constitution or congress or supreme Court should bother putting in my women’s species on their books or they have a right to judge. They have no right to life they have no right. They are not right. The era has never been ratified my mother never has been happy I have lived with many of people that could not be happy. They made money I tried that got a house mortgage an IRA a good job being a truck driver I was good at it I was natural at it I had always been that way I had kept my father awake on route 66 as we traveled when I was young and my mother taught me to read maps and stay awake to keep my father awake while he drove the dark highways of America. Every operation was followed by a trip or a move to another home something better something not so much always my mother looking making money. Her God is money. I am not that I have never been that I tried to be that but my body could not my soul once I fell at a truck stop under a load could no longer control the outcome in the each day. I have jumped out of the frying pan into the fire hoping for something better for it to burn me so I could live again my animals my sunny was the best man I ever met he made me a better person I allowed him to be himself and thankful he came back when he ran and Chase deer and antelope and rabbits he loved rabbits he would never hurt them but yet even he was compromised bringing me a small bunny in his mouth that was dead. Creating a tumor in his neck that had to be lanced finding out he was bleeding after going through barbed wire. All these were moments in my life never did I expect to live without Love. But finding out that some people cannot love has been a very long journey. And I forget it at times I forget people do not walk the walk but maybe just talk and then they steal or maybe they just forget to pay you back or maybe their need is more than mine these are questions I may never get answers to. I wake up I do the best I can I try to smile I try to stay I have nowhere else to go. So starting a new life hoping to have a home hoping to afford my own home maybe having an animal again it needs a home our afflictions of my mind. So I try to imagine and I try to think that at some point I will hopefully soon as I my spirit seems to weaken and be tested each day knowing that any good day will be followed by a bad as it is always been.
When God takes a family
everything I know I learned from my family even though we’ve been apart and so strange they are a deep love in my life. Upon losing them completely and being alone in the world is and has been a harmful journey. Full of tears full of remembrances full of love though I have been homeless and left outside and been raped and had many things happen to me in a several years that my family story changed and I was abandoned. So I am a child of God and wherever God is I am and he’s had me walk a vicious road one of homelessness in America. One of enjoying or living outside. One of the critical disease it may not be terminal but it can be and at any time and I have traumatic brain injuries that I live with it’s very difficult to live with me I used to be so bossy. Now I have no choice I have no one to boss even myself I overwhelmed me with things to do we’re not due but in some way they’re God because they’re getting me up I never looked at it that way because people just saw simple ama terminology like Ada ad or ADHD or OCD. I was just good God had made I had accept me over and over again and still do each and every day as the body deteriorates and my abilities cease and there’s no one there no one to call out to in the night when you have a bad dream. No one to soothe you. No one to see you. No one to touch you. For in these things we call senses are the soul. We come to each other with ideas about what love is and instead it’s just compassion and understanding and a willingness to give. I learned that from Jesus Christ. So now that I don’t have a family and I grieve every day I’m here in Gulfport looking for another family. And a church is taking me and wants me to be around and they want to love me and care about me and it’s difficult to accept. To put my money in on a steak but I don’t know will it disappoint me will the relationships I have disappoint others. I’m not sure I’m strong enough for a family anymore I know it’s weaken me quite a bit.
living with pain
living with pain is a lonely thing. No one to help you no one that knows what you’re feeling just complete and utter effort. You try everyday to make something worthwhile in the day and you only find people that want to be harmful to you just somehow show your vulnerability about trust. Cuz I have to trust I have no choice when I get up and I’m dizzy I have to trust that I’m not going to fall. If that’s Christ so be it. I look to others for understanding I look for others for help helping to healing which I’m not sure I want but I try to want it I just want my hands to be able to work without so much pain the pain is unimaginable at times but all I have is God. God will you help me move my body God will you help me get here or there will you help me to eat today is there anything to drink today. Being homeless and having less poverty stricken whatever you want to call it in America is a sad sad place to be. I remember times when I was happy I remember times when I felt freedom and Independence. It didn’t last long for my neediness took over and I had to learn that I was the Pink elephant in my family and then I had to have my family make me homeless. Been homeless for a year now been trying to want to live hard though through all this pain I don’t know why they can’t find relief for me. Some say it’s the devil of evil of some sort that I’m just so damn special if I were to believe that which I cannot. I were to find something new I guess but I can only be me and try as I might ask for my stone heart to become real again. When I give my heart away to simple people I think that aren’t hurting me that maybe I could talk with finding out that they aren’t real and they don’t feel the same way and say chose to share. Yes I’ve had some strange relationships on Facebook and I don’t know that I can handle anymore disappointment so I decided to share my pain here in this format. I chose to share my pain that I live with every day on whether my ankles will work or my toes will keep me level whether I’m caught or cold it’s so difficult taking care of me is the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do. I did it when I was a little girl but I always so much younger than. I pray that all that is and will be will happen soon for some times I don’t think I can hold on Long er. So I’ll miss so much I miss my brother I miss my dog I was hoping that coming back to a place where I was happy that I was useful would be a place that I could find hope. And instead I just keep holding on true darkness 💖 each month turns into a trial of whether I’m going to make it whether I’m going to be okay of whether I can pay for the hotel that I’m in or if I’m going to have to hit the street some people like to pretend they’re your friends and they may pretend to be your friends for a very long time just be careful. I cry a lot and sometimes there’s just no way of stopping the terror just falls down out of the light left eye and it just falls I don’t know where it comes from it seems very old though. So I pray today that you have enough that you feel you are enough and that you’re perfect in every way because wherever God is you are.
super Tuesday
I awaken to the motel. That I stay in as a homeless person waiting to find a home or a place to live out of the rain and the weather thankfully I am so many people are not so many questions people need to answer wondering if anyone would help. I can’t keep all this on my shoulders but the PTSD of living and being a homeless person and living outside in the weather in the possible fears that one might have. My question this country my question these people that’s supposedly run our country that have forgotten that were here that we want to be known. I look for help each day but it’s a god of my understanding I am at peace. I look to The Future I looked the past I pray that at some point that won’t last. Well there’s some big day be a place that people will be seen and heard and not have to go through all the things I’ve had to go through as a disabled adult child in the institution called america. The genocide of so many tribal people not knowing my history but knowing that the Masonic part of me is real. Knowing that I do not know my past. These are the questions and the answers I live with in this nation under God. I pray this election will show that women are stronger than men and they can show up and that are Constitution can change and not allow the smearing of the executive branch and that we could be proud again or be proud for the first time. Let us change the world to what we would want to live in that we want to give it in that we can show love caring compassion chivalry and that we can document it so that all will have enough today I pray that we all have enough I meant we are safe and our souls are soothed. May you be strong today may your challenges be small. May you be loved today for God is carrying you you where but believe it’s the strength you’ve carried is God. The love of God holds you
light of God surrounds you. Wherever you are God is.
First day of March 2024 March 1st 20:24
I woke to my motel 6 room to find it raining last night or this morning it’s night time and that’s all I know and I try to figure out what time it is I try to move my hands and get my body out of this bed and try to remember what it needs to be doing that it needs to pee that it needs to be careful and needs to be very careful hands don’t work well but the pain is less than it was yesterday doesn’t mean it won’t be back just mean it’s less I slept a lot I seem to be okay sleeping a lot I have a lot of nice dreams and some not so nice I hope to get to a chiropractor and I’m getting closer to my primary without going to a hospital which I pray to God that I don’t have to. My church family is going to pick me up on Sunday and maybe bring my friend Eloise and we can go together and learn more about them. It does seem to be the same church I took a picture of 6 months after Katrina when the Gulf Coast was emasculated. When our country forgot to take care of its own when insurance agencies were supposed to disappear it’s been 20 some years since I’ve been here and all I want to do is see the beach when it was raining or this morning when the when I saw a seagull all I want to do is go to the beach so hopefully I can get out today and get some energy and strength to be able to get what’s helped me to get to this far I pray my my friends that have brought me here to this point in my life are well and above all taken care of and have enough. I’m always looking for a new family and maybe that’s a problem of mine or maybe it’s a solution of all to treat others as you would have them treat you to care for you as you would care for them. That doesn’t say much for me I was I was a healer and boy I was a hard ass healer just like I took AA on with a vengeance saying I wanted no more of what I had I wanted to know more of listening to bitching and moaning and criticizing and corruption I wanted something that’s called serenity and I wanted to know peace. Peace that peace that surpasses all understanding. The moment I look up and I see the seagull and I think of a Jonathan Livingston seagull in the story and the moral of the story of a bird flying too high for the rest of the crowd. I’m finding that book in the little blue Fiat in Alpine at the side of the house underneath the seat. Another birthday present I guess forgotten but it was to me and I loved books when I was younger I read lots of them can’t read them now cuz I can’t even lift them I’m lucky to lift a small cup of water or get to my bed with a hot cup of coffee. Life has changed as you get older so much so many no more so many oh I don’t eat that anymore or I don’t do that anymore. What you did when you were happy you don’t do anymore you can’t go into these places you can’t get through these doors you’re old your feeble you might fall there’s no one going to catch you Jesus ain’t like that he don’t catch you Jesus wants to know if you got him and I suppose yeah he’s away cool guy lots of people got him I just got them differently. Just like my life it’s just different I don’t know if other people feel or do or have gone through what I’m going through now where my body gives out on me and I can’t move without excruciating pain I know that I’m a reiki master teacher I’ve done chiropractic essential oils I’ve taught I’ve given away every ounce of knowledge that I have to someone else. To know that I am supposed to be just where I am and be who I am at all times. This can be that peace that surpasses understanding to me like the bird that flies high or the bird that sings at night time or the strange concoction in the water in the Hood River that seem to have slam across and died at my feet. To all the awful horrendous torturous things that have happened to me in the last few years pandemics exclusions being property thinking I was one thing and hoping I would never have to deal with the hatred of a woman’s eyes to not be hunted down on a dark Street with another woman trying to beat me up and take me back into her house for what I don’t know what bed bugs and urine and 15 people held hostage and a country that we’re supposed to be free in that most of our comrades died to be friends. If you do not understand disablement if you do not understand disease I’m happy for you I’m also sad for you but it’s understanding in all these things that you find compassion for all creatures great and small. May this March be a good March May my daughter have a wonderful 42nd birthday I love you Jessica Rose and I always will and nothing could ever put that on my face of hatred toward you. You might not feel the same and hopefully someday you can show me that since I’m part of the country that is the show me state last place I had a really nice bed. And some great home cooked meal from a restaurant the throw and rolls restaurant up on 55 when I put new brakes on and I went to sleep for a little bit and I wish I would have stayed always wishing I would have stayed not knowing how to stay not knowing that the car just keeps wanting to go not being able to go into Kentucky knowing there’s nothing that way for me right now. So today I’m going to try to make it till Wednesday when I get to see my primary and maybe we can figure out my body and figure out how to get a home or at least help me have an easier life from this point on. I’m learning to put punctuation in it may not be correct but as I am but a Stephen Hawkings and still learning that I need so many things that are not normal to everyday society but maybe to the 50 million Americans on social security the disabled the veterans the folks that I’ve spent my time with the people on the street that can tell me more than you know about this country they don’t watch TV I don’t really care except to make it through the next day because they live in a country that doesn’t seem to care there is no religious freedom here there is no freedom freedom to pursue happiness then why is it marijuana free why do we have to tax it why is shelter not free why do we have to tax it and tax it and that’s all they say that happened after Katrina all the taxes went up and the only people that could find housing or hope were those that scrambled and scraped and tethered themselves to maybe things they didn’t believe in and lost their integrity about the little people about the people that want jobs and want to carry on a great song called carry on. I pray this March 1st finds you all well I pray I get through another Friday and whether I’m in hell or not is no matter for today I just try to do the best I can because that’s all you have is you. And what you believe and what you trust so trust God with all your might trust yourself among all others and be strong enough to be.
a good day in February
as I walk this morning was able to get both shoes on. It was 5:00 a.m. in Hammond Louisiana and I was still tired it was going to be a very big day moving from Louisiana and having someone help me because of my disablement he was a kind man his name is Russell he’s 72 years old and he’s got great legs and I hit it off with him the first time I met him. Anyways he has a girlfriend he showed me pictures one upon arrival he was very chivalrous and the kind of soul I’ve met so far. Today I moved into the motel 6 in Gulfport Mississippi I’m still homeless I’m still much enabled by my disablement it’s very hard to be able to write it’s very difficult to remember there’s a lot more stimulus here though I’m right next to the Krispy Kreme donut shop which gives me hope and remembering good times with my when I lived here. When I lived here I was vibrant I was rolling over and doing many things and being able to put my shoes on and helping others and being a GSR of I had a church and people that I got to know unity of pass Christian some of these places no longer exist I am trying to get connected with those that may or may not know me but I am learning to find the family that is around me anyone I meet now is family. I have a lot to be grateful for my body may not show it in my words and sometimes I need to scream really bad so I try to be grateful some more I try to remember good times like on the upper peninsula of Wisconsin or maybe it’s Michigan I don’t know I’m pretty sure it’s connected to Wisconsin and Michigan just owns it anyways that was a wonderful summer with my dog sunny and my partner and motor home as we traveled for a year and let God handle it now I’m doing the same thing and not expecting different results but accepting that which I have and that I have enough always and that’s all that’s important if I need something I should talk and ask and reach out and try to get to the door mostly I need to go very very slow. So I can remember to take one foot in front of the other and I don’t fall in my endeavor too create and make a new life here and Gulfport and maybe someday be able to paint again I reached out enough today. And I’m getting to watch some TV and I have the comedy channel so life is good for me so I know that’s not a lot for everyone but it’s enough I have a room a toilet hot water and I’m trying to better myself and stay alive I may not want to stay alive I may not desire or need to stay alive but I do and God has a plan for me and maybe it’ll get easier as Life goes on as I reach out to the new family that I call at motel 6 there’s chartreal and Dale and my neighbor deja I don’t know if this is riding correctly my computer for me. But at this point I am just doing the best I can and hearing my own voice and trying to write down what I know about today it was a lovely drive and the tornado weather went East and the sun Shone down and it got warm enough and today was a good day I would mark it on my calendar as a good day there was nothing wrong with today except my feelings and my PTSD still inside me there’s a scream that needs to be straight screamed but that’s okay maybe I’ll laugh at something tonight on Jon Stewart maybe I’ll laugh enough that I won’t cry maybe I’ll cry enough that I won’t scream but today I reached out I reached out to look for others to be of service as I was of service to others as I paid it Forward 20 years before now my daughter is speaking with me and I am grateful and she’s going to get married and she’s beautiful and and I am grateful for that sake as it is that she is a beautiful girl that wasn’t hurt as a baby and wasn’t hurt as a child and then she grew up with some normality and she has no issues concerning the isms of America or of this Masonic child I love her so deeply that she could never know how much I gave up for her and how unless and how unirate and how love conquers all. I care deeply for her father that raised her he was a good man and he was my white knight with a red javelin so I hope to sleep well knowing all these things sharing all these things until I’m able to continue with the next day and the next until I can accumulate a few more good days until I get accumulate another special day that I can call okay that today I didn’t hurt but I can’t say that I can barely move but I still do I don’t know how God works in my body but I wish it would work a little harder I know that I have to move in order for my body to work but it’s too just uncomfortable but my frustration of my determination always went out and I get my ass up one more time so thank you Jesus Joseph and Mary God thank you so much blessings to all that read this or don’t read it but thank you.
Thank you I used to be a truck driver 🙏
when I drove my name it was jelly Bean. My husband gave that to me cuz he would always say you know what I mean jelly Bean now I’ve driven for a lot of outlaw truckers and Arkansas I started driving in 1990 and my husband got a grandfathered in I was very good at what I did. It was amazing to have such ease with such scary times I hit my first snow storm in the San Diego mountains and that was a shock because it was a whiteout and I just had a snow plow to holler at and finally find and then my husband would just sleep in the back and look out every once in awhile and trust in me and I guess that gave me trust in myself I white knuckled it and I learned to breathe and that’s what you do when you try something new. I’m now at disabled enabled woman at the time I still had my disease JRA and I lied to become a truck driver we drove for many companies in Arkansas mostly Tyson foods when we got to a company that was a 401 interesting and 401k had all the things we needed to become society members i. I was able to do our taxes we bought a house in Clinton Arkansas we did quite a lot of things and their stories to all of them I have to get some of this out of me before I can’t remember them and while I am near a truck stop. Presently I’m homeless I have left temporal lobe damage after falling at a truck stop in 2000 December 13th 2000 in Tennessee I fell I reported the incident but I was under a load and it was sealed. Everything went in slow motion after that but as I got closer to Memphis to get the load home. There was an ice storm on this way in Arkansas so I had to get it back to the yard at pro trucking I did this but I took a nap and looked at the hospital in West Memphis Arkansas said no I don’t think so and when I woke up from the nap I was a different person I was angry I was very forthcoming and choppy in my speech maybe even slurry I might have had a TIA while sleeping not sure my partner at the time noticed all these things but we could do nothing about it for 3 days. After 3 days my arm wasn’t bending I went to urgent Care in North Little Rock and then they said there wasn’t anything they could do and I got workman’s comp for a month but then they wanted me to go back to work so I did even though everything started becoming the igloo this is pre-phones this is when we had to go to phone Banks and we had to call phone home and phone to get our dispatches and faxing and it was old school if not meet him at school at the best the ’80s I had left my husband after an incident in 1999 so I was going through it. So I was going through a divorce bankruptcy and I had left temporal love damage which was discovered 3 years later and began having seizures. I was probably having seizures most of my life and I did not know it as they are a different type of seizure than I had ever known about it took a doctor here in Gulfport Mississippi to alert me to the type of seizure I have. That was by 2003 when I got my disability I could not stand the cold weather anymore. And when I was tight with Tyson foods Tyson foods I was the only woman in a dedicated run from Arkansas to the Gulf where we took chicken breasts and put them on cargo ships and they took him to Russia etc. I knew a lot of guys on that run it was a easy run and I would do it three or four times a week maybe even one and a half times a day we work and work and. I now am a homeless woman that is my story that is part of my story I have driven on ice snow I’ve had a a snowstorm chase me down across the country and then land in North Carolina finally making me put chains on. While on the highway I watch people in their cars watching me get under my truck and get those chains on those big ass tires I was an amazing woman. My husband seem not to ever hit in Clement weather I’m sorry that the computer doesn’t spell ll correctly for me and I can’t correct it a last April I was evicted from my mother’s house she may have her own problems and I could no longer take care of her and she could no longer stand to see the side of me I can understand that I love my mother dearly and my brothers my story is long and harsh and my computer doesn’t work and say what I wanted to say I don’t know how to do run on sentences or all I know how to do is run on sentences. Occasionally I can say. And it works I no longer have my period I’m 60 years old I’ve been a victim of violent crimes in New Orleans in the last two months after landing and New Orleans on November 22nd yes even the homeless can buy a ticket on an airplane we are the few we are the hidden we hide in our cars so we won’t be noticed in we pretend we’re just travelers which we are we’re nomadic beings which we all used to be. I grew up that way being nomadic after every operation we would go on a trip back east before interstates were interstates and roads were sometimes dirt and we always threw the bottles out so we would have reflectors in the dark that was part of of life in America. For me I don’t understand people that can’t sleep at the beach I don’t understand people that aren’t bothering other people we pick up trash we make a home with it we recycle our our trash we we pick up after you all that don’t even notice us. We don’t need a relationship we need a home we need to help up not a handout we don’t need all the stuff people think that we need. I lived on the brain injury program in New Mexico call me via and it gave me $33,000 worth of stuff it did it helped it helped in recovery and helped in learning about what it was important to my life but in the end it was still just stuff and you can’t take it with you the less I carry the better I am I can’t even hold a bottle of water. JRA and disablement is a devastating disease I can’t even get what I need in an emergency room I’ve had. I’ve had homeless shelters won’t even call 911 when I need it. They’re making laws to make more people go into these treatment centers so they can make money. Alcoholism addictions any of these things are money makers. My brother taught me that and I believe him now I watched. I’ve observed I’ve experienced a lack of character of this country the character that said for the grace of God go I. I’m watching movies and I’m in a nice motel now but life is as it should be for the moment I’ve been in motel programs where they’ve stolen my mail I’ve been in treatment centers where they’ve stolen everything from me my purse my wallet my passport everything of any value and that’s what happens to people when they have no one to call to reach out to to have support from but you have to call an attorney and they say oh we can’t take your case it’s just too complicated well I’m a complicated being I’ve been that way since I was born and I can’t help it I would like to be simple I’d like to be able to eat a piece of fruit I’d like to have be able to have a kitchen and hopefully when I get back to Gulfport and maybe they will have the help I need but I can’t live a life of doctors there’s no way a life of doctors is worth a life at all they do not have the answer. I’ve been a massage therapist against my mother’s wishes I gave up my job at Tyson and became a massage therapist and a lovely lady in my Al-Anon group took care of me the best she could. But I was still full of pride and ignorance and arrogance trying to be independent in a dependent world. We are all dependent on each other to smile to make each other console to make each other alive that’s all I know I write this because I need to hear my own voice I suppose or to get it out of me I’m grateful for the time I was a truck driver. I’m grateful that I’m still here I guess even though every day and every minute of every day I can be afraid for falling and I know it will hurt and I know I might not wake up or I’ll be unable to speak so I’m riding my right speaking my truth is this constitution says and hope someday that we don’t have to go through this election year s*** that we can find a world that’s more than the sum of that democracy is not democracy without Love happy Mardi gras truth and Justice prevail signed Cayc
another day in the neighborhood
I have situations since April of last year when my mother threw me out of her house and divorced me and I became homeless one of them is that I have a DNR and this is very traumatic for me but upon waking up I believe it happened in another state but I think it happened just recently in New Orleans when I was a victim of violent crime. And then I woke up with restraints on my arms and a breathing tube down my throat and seem to be fighting for my life I cannot be sure because of all the traumatic brain injuries I’ve incurred but I know that they did put restraints on me at UMC and maybe it’s so it was safer and maybe it was safer to have a throat down my throat a tube down my throat I am disabled I am the many of the 50 million Americans on Medicaid Medicare that people pray upon and I don’t mean the good kind of prayer so I’m riding my word blog for anyone to see and for those that may not want to watch. I care for so many I’m an empath and it’s not an easy job in a world full of such atrocities I have felt this way since I was a child I can be no different than I am I was Born this Way. Life is different for me I used to be able to strip be strong and get along and be a truck driver and a mother f***** and now I’m a disabled artist and my art is called amuart. I’m going home to Gulfport after being gone for 24 years or more never quite sure I’ve been in 20 hospitals at least in the last year after not being in any hospitals I was born with JRA and an empath and a family with a lot of isms. I believe this country is full of psychopaths we created them we all seem to be them we listen to ourselves more than the greater good we listen to something that we can put in our pocket instead of helping others with pockets to receive a pocket and to have pockets on your beingness is a great gift. To be warm in a cold world to be cool in a hot time and to love and honor and have integrity is difficult at most because it’s a constantly changing. I want to share with the world but I don’t want to earn a living I want to live in a world where you don’t have to earn to be alive you don’t have to have a credit score to make sure you’re taking care of. My computer talks for me and writes for me and sometimes it doesn’t get it quite right. I have run on sentences but I always have. And I need an editor or someone that can offer a book for me I would like to tell my story
Shirley McLane I thank you for your stories and for the truth that happened to you they helped me in me becoming me like many authors Marianne Williamson Deepak Chopra and many others have taught me many lessons in my life I may not be following these lessons because of my handicaps now and having to do what I can to survive everyday with my disabilities. Thank you Stephen Hawkins for your voice and I’m sorry to Alexis and Alex they got mad at me on Amazon and I don’t believe in Amazon or Walmart they just don’t let your credit card go but Amazon kept me going at a time when I was on lockdown during the pandemic. During the pandemic I was taking care of an honoring my mother who said we would always have a home and she was able to pay off her home she got many new things she was an amazing woman I believed and still do I hope everyone prays for her. My brother who I loved so dearly seems to have changed his story and directly influenced my homelessness my oldest brother I love greatly for he taught me to tie my shoes he taught me to stay away when she was scary she taught me my first code of knocking on the walls that used to be so thin. I am trying to release the PTSD that I have from all the experiences that I’ve gone through and not to burden the people I love with them so self talk on this word blog is all I have I hope it helps others I hope to continue to do this without jetpack I just can’t install anymore apps that make me crazy and make my phone wacky simple is all I’m looking for so I’m going back to the beach which made me happy at a place that I thought I helped others the most. Namaste
Another day in America.
Again wake up to my body in this world baby not wake up to my body in this world I wake up to my understanding that I have nobody left there’s so many ways. I now live in a hospital cuz I was hurt and assaulted on the new Lord New Orleans streets or I came to be at this time looking for someone that can hear me that understands that I scream at everything that I just think what I need I’m not what they want to give me my own home a place that’s safe I never had ever had a safe place in my whole entire life not my home of origin not America never had any rights. Civil or otherwise the Constitution doesn’t freaking promise me anything at this time or ever will I’m tired my body’s tired my souls are tired Americas time we need to change and it ain’t for Trump or anybody else I’m being president that I will die away I’ll let your new found happiness encompass all people all species all the time where compassion is more important than humanity and understanding is more important than your regulations or your rules so I might not be able to vote I may not be able to stand I may not be able to use my hands but I have a voice today still that is landed me in the UNC the knowledge so I got here I never know because again I’m a very large bump on my head I still have eyes to see I still know the truth no matter what if I can remember yesterday or not don’t matter to me my body holds the truth just like the air we breathe and the trees we see and that’s me I’m Casey wolf and that’s not how you spell it it’s c a y c w o l f f 2024 vote for me I’ll give you what you want. I’ll ask nothing in return just peace peace of all Nations remembering the forgotten remembering what they’ve done to us in the food and history and let’s not ever let it happen again w o f f 24 vote now are forever holds your peace for the suffragettes are waiting the military are waiting to come home to know there is something safe I really don’t have to die for it to have our voice heard. Thank you all very much for reading or listening to me today mary. Happy. Holidays. Or whatever and whatever you celebrate something should be celebrated every day Life. Not arguing but allowing someone to be all they choose to be when they choose to be at giving them the strength to be who they are not amalgamy of other people and their beliefs. I don’t have to have a dentist I don’t have to have a doctor I don’t have to be put away I can have it my way at least that’s what they said but I was a little girl you can be anything you want to be except everything as it is so here I am being level one more time my family and country and on the road thinking I have nothing less to do lose but can’t get nowhere without help now have to live with a caregiver now never have a freaking life on my own hello I ever wanted was my intubependence my freedom and dependence to be independent even the computer can’t write what I need to say but I keep trying day and day out at least I can fart today. Thank you great USA .