living with pain

living with pain is a lonely thing. No one to help you no one that knows what you’re feeling just complete and utter effort. You try everyday to make something worthwhile in the day and you only find people that want to be harmful to you just somehow show your vulnerability about trust. Cuz I have to trust I have no choice when I get up and I’m dizzy I have to trust that I’m not going to fall. If that’s Christ so be it. I look to others for understanding I look for others for help helping to healing which I’m not sure I want but I try to want it I just want my hands to be able to work without so much pain the pain is unimaginable at times but all I have is God. God will you help me move my body God will you help me get here or there will you help me to eat today is there anything to drink today. Being homeless and having less poverty stricken whatever you want to call it in America is a sad sad place to be. I remember times when I was happy I remember times when I felt freedom and Independence. It didn’t last long for my neediness took over and I had to learn that I was the Pink elephant in my family and then I had to have my family make me homeless. Been homeless for a year now been trying to want to live hard though through all this pain I don’t know why they can’t find relief for me. Some say it’s the devil of evil of some sort that I’m just so damn special if I were to believe that which I cannot. I were to find something new I guess but I can only be me and try as I might ask for my stone heart to become real again. When I give my heart away to simple people I think that aren’t hurting me that maybe I could talk with finding out that they aren’t real and they don’t feel the same way and say chose to share. Yes I’ve had some strange relationships on Facebook and I don’t know that I can handle anymore disappointment so I decided to share my pain here in this format. I chose to share my pain that I live with every day on whether my ankles will work or my toes will keep me level whether I’m caught or cold it’s so difficult taking care of me is the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do. I did it when I was a little girl but I always so much younger than. I pray that all that is and will be will happen soon for some times I don’t think I can hold on Long er. So I’ll miss so much I miss my brother I miss my dog I was hoping that coming back to a place where I was happy that I was useful would be a place that I could find hope. And instead I just keep holding on true darkness 💖 each month turns into a trial of whether I’m going to make it whether I’m going to be okay of whether I can pay for the hotel that I’m in or if I’m going to have to hit the street some people like to pretend they’re your friends and they may pretend to be your friends for a very long time just be careful. I cry a lot and sometimes there’s just no way of stopping the terror just falls down out of the light left eye and it just falls I don’t know where it comes from it seems very old though. So I pray today that you have enough that you feel you are enough and that you’re perfect in every way because wherever God is you are.