gratitude

for the grace of God has watched over me as I’ve been homeless these past several years. I have slept no dumpsters with bugs. I have been in homeless shelters that are not homeless shelters at all they are cots that I cannot get down to as I am disabled so I sleep in the bathroom to try to be safe and maybe make some thing to eat out of the hot water in the sink. And I have walked many a mile I have been pushed in my wheelchair many a mile. It’s overwhelming to me my body is weak sometimes my soul cries out and wails. I cannot keep it in I see and have seen too much veterans that can’t sleep with their wives separated disabled people push down on the ground pulled back in these supposable shelters these supposable helpful places that are not. From Nevada Arizona Oregon Washington finally I went back home where I can afford to live for the poorest people in the world live where me and my dog and my partner helped others and we were viable. We had a business to help others so we could afford a house we were put in by a mother that I think hates me finding out last year that I’m a bastard and that I’ve been the pink elephant in the room all my life. Has been devastating to me I’ve been put on the street hit by cars knocked out of my wheelchair it was electric I bought it and it disappeared in Arizona hopefully with the help of my new church family my new place where I can survive and be of some service even if it’s just a smile. To see someone in the morning that smiles at you is such a great gift it allows you to remember God and that you’re taking care of. When I was leaving ozami in New Orleans were they sent me I had nothing except my wheelchair and I started hitchhiking on a street with holes in it cracks unable to stay on the sidewalk unable to see the light waiting not knowing where I’m going just hitchhiking like I’ve done since I was a child to get away from something that was not right. Searching finding a man on a bike and then sir Reginald who pushed my chair and we went to the police station in New Orleans underneath where it said no entry but I went anyways because I needed help and the man that stopped on his bicycle that wanted to get me an Uber back up to Hammond where they had stolen my ID and my purse again another hospital stealing my identity and all my belongings it was overwhelming but I did not cry out I was thankful for sir Reginald that he pushed my chair and he knew where to go because he needed to charge his phone grateful to the man on the bicycle that he stopped and listened to me grateful to the officer that said stay here and that it was a good idea for him to pay for an $80 ride up to Hammond where I was able to get my belongings. At least some of them they still misplaced or stole my jacket whichever you want to believe. But God had reasons for all these things maybe allowing people to do good deeds. So I was then dropped at the Petro which I thought was an all night restaurant where I could gather myself but they closed so I spoke to the manager the manager called officers always officers always Kevlar no longer candy stripers as I was young when they took pictures and put me in the San Diego Tribune had a children’s hospital during my first operation. So the officers came and I told him my story they took me next door to the Days inn where I was able to get a room and I began to heal and they fed me and cleaned my room and took care of me so so wonderfully. But I needed to get to Gulfport where I could start a new life. Where I could walk again at least a little bit getting help after having whiplash in these so-called homeless shelters and being mistreated in them. Being mistreated and waking up after knowing I have a DNR in a hospital in restraints and a tube down my throat was again devastating. But God has a reason for all this they say. I cry I wail my body is unable to process some of these experiences but I believe through time the grief may leave or may not I believe you have to learn to live with grief. I have no other choice I have been kept here not of my own volition but of others. That is not what I wanted for my self my body or my soul. On the street yes we have some kind of code but I seem to be too kind and to imaginative I have been thrown to the ground. I have blead my blood has been spilled in Nevada my body has fallen in Oregon my spirit has been crushed by many. To come back from this I wake up now in a motel I cannot afford in a place that when they clean the other rooms they have bugs that come into my room. I now have someone that is abusive and talks to me and doesn’t help me or clean my room. I do not get touched I do not have a friend. I am gaining friends which is very scary too be vulnerable to anyone that says they want to help me. I pray tomorrow is a better day I am grateful that the night manager always has a smile and for that I’m able to smile also because the beauty of a smile allows you to believe you’re okay for a moment. It’s peaceful and kind and caring enough to know they have something you don’t at the moment. I was able to take my first shower after not having a shower for 2 months yet I could not get my sheets changed because they seem so angry and so chaotic care just like the hotel programming Albany Oregon were they stole my mail and said they were helping the homeless. They did nothing for me they did not get me to any place of importance that they said they would. So I flew out of there as soon as I could but the airline lost my chair broke my bag tossed my stuff in another bag they found in the lost and found. I was an artist once I became an artist here in Gulfport after being after falling as a over the road truck driver after doing millions of miles in the United States and provinces of Canada. I have owned homes and trailers that I have renovated I have helped others to have homes that they could afford I’ve been on brain injury waivers in three states but they had no housing. Which is a lie you can make a home for anyone out of pallets they have shown that you can make a home for less than $500 where someone could live. In Seattle I heard a man built shelter had a pallets for human beings to have a place that is safe enough. Safety and security have never been in my life I have walked as I believe and tried to overcome my DNA a mother that competes with me that was brought up the Masonic that’s slept with her older sister and her husband until she was 18. I have no anger toward her eye came here to give love when I was young and I fell off the back of a station wagon and then ran into a tree and broke my jaw so I woke up and I saw a spirit at the door and it wanted me to go out the door but I could not I had to ask someone because I wasn’t supposed to open that door but the light through the crack of the door was intense so a baby opened the sliding glass door and the redwood fence and went out to the garage where I found my daddy painting his truck I explained to him he asked me why I stayed I said I stayed for you. I have only love to give because I have no choice I am love. I know no other way of living though through grief and through my experiences it’s difficult to continue everyday I am not and do not fit in any box and I’m not affiliated with any denomination. I love all I see love and hear animals and I cannot help it I’ve worked very hard and alternative Care since the diagnosis of juvenile rheumatoid arthritis at 9 years old. I took the guilt and the well-being of myself off my mother’s shoulders at that moment and began to be in charge I was young and the knee didn’t bend and they told me I shouldn’t climb trees or run but I was a child and they told me that I may go blind which I have woken up to that I have woken up to my own skin flaking off of me all over not having any care in a place that I was told with my home forever. I do not know if my mother has Alzheimer’s or my brothers just want her money and that is why they made me homeless and made me abandoned in life. I do not know why I was as strange from my family estranged. All my life I have had no one I had a brother who told me I need to have someone take care of me so I stuck out my thumb and began walking out of Alpine California in San Diego county too the box El cajon got a ride from a motorcycle I had 4 in heels on trying to walk like others trying to be normal. Sex was my power I had learned through media movies after being sick most of my first decade of life and three operations. I had learned to navigate and learned that I had something called intuition. So I started to ask to allow that intuition to grow and learned alternative medicines alternative Care for everything they ever put me on became a class action suit. I’ve never received any money I’m not like that last year on April 9th I was hit by a car and thrown from my wheelchair. Dragged back into my wheelchair and told I was okay I’ve called 911 in the office left me there without anything on the streets of Arizona in lake Havasu City slept with people that would keep me warm slept near police stations where I could feel safe enough now as I write this I’m in a motel 6 in Gulfport with roaches with dirty sheets with the woman that yells at me it’s very abusive hitting the streets is always an option to me because at least I have peace that’s your passes all understanding. I have choices and yes I’m vulnerable to everything the weather to my surroundings to my needs to what happens next each day was wrong or right I can never know which I have had to enter many hospitals in many of these states maybe not of my own volition definitely not of my own volition blood on the streets of Nevada running down my face asking please don’t call anybody please don’t send me to the hospital I’m an artist please just allow me to be an artist. But when your identity gets stolen you have nothing you have to start over so I flew out of Nevada hoping that someone I loved was in Oregon someone I could love someone that could be soothing and caring to me but they could not. So I waited and I was taken again to someplace else to try to get help where there was none only another place that would not call 911 the drag me back in force me down on the ground where I could not get up from forced me to sleep in my own pee or pee my own space where others that have a little more that hadn’t been through what I had already been through judged me and would not help being locked in bathrooms and so-called hospitals with so-called Ada contraptions being a victim of violent crime once I landed in Armstrong airport after 2 days having my hip broken and knowing I had no more determination no more ability. No more ways of protecting myself. This is been my year this is my life this is who I am as I write this I try to kill another roach next to me hoping that it won’t get on the bed hoping that it won’t crawl on me crawl scamper I would never live like this my home is always been clean they say they have diagnosis for everything now OCD I had to become that so I could carry my load so I can Begin work at 9 years old and get my social security card and get on disability when I was 16 but yet I’m married my name changed and I was kept again this time it was just a man that I waved at on the streets of El cajon I did not know anything about fidelity because that was not something we had in our home I did not understand the principles before personalities that I learned in AA later on when I had to give up my child when she was 5 years old. She was raised without me I was never going to be a mommy ever again. But she is healthy she did not grow up in a masonic house she did not get touched. She was not the pink elephant she got brothers and sisters and a family and I’m grateful. I hope this next month brings me a home I pray this next month brings me a space that I can take care of and then I don’t have the trepidation of something crawling on me. I pray that God’s guides will be of service and I can accept that and I can learn to have friends again. I have met many people being a truck driver traveling all over the country speaking learning I learned fidelity I learned principles before personalities I never knew such grief is this past year has given me. I do not know what the future holds but I’m always ready to go God. I believe in euthanasia with love. I believe that no one has the right to my body and no piece of paper Constitution or congress or supreme Court should bother putting in my women’s species on their books or they have a right to judge. They have no right to life they have no right. They are not right. The era has never been ratified my mother never has been happy I have lived with many of people that could not be happy. They made money I tried that got a house mortgage an IRA a good job being a truck driver I was good at it I was natural at it I had always been that way I had kept my father awake on route 66 as we traveled when I was young and my mother taught me to read maps and stay awake to keep my father awake while he drove the dark highways of America. Every operation was followed by a trip or a move to another home something better something not so much always my mother looking making money. Her God is money. I am not that I have never been that I tried to be that but my body could not my soul once I fell at a truck stop under a load could no longer control the outcome in the each day. I have jumped out of the frying pan into the fire hoping for something better for it to burn me so I could live again my animals my sunny was the best man I ever met he made me a better person I allowed him to be himself and thankful he came back when he ran and Chase deer and antelope and rabbits he loved rabbits he would never hurt them but yet even he was compromised bringing me a small bunny in his mouth that was dead. Creating a tumor in his neck that had to be lanced finding out he was bleeding after going through barbed wire. All these were moments in my life never did I expect to live without Love. But finding out that some people cannot love has been a very long journey. And I forget it at times I forget people do not walk the walk but maybe just talk and then they steal or maybe they just forget to pay you back or maybe their need is more than mine these are questions I may never get answers to. I wake up I do the best I can I try to smile I try to stay I have nowhere else to go. So starting a new life hoping to have a home hoping to afford my own home maybe having an animal again it needs a home our afflictions of my mind. So I try to imagine and I try to think that at some point I will hopefully soon as I my spirit seems to weaken and be tested each day knowing that any good day will be followed by a bad as it is always been.