I believed as I was going to get older with my partner but mostly it was my plan it was my dream my dreams probably got me in trouble in the first place probably watching too much TV as they say.
so my ideas were I believed or thought I could do cheese for buying my own Jeep and rig and going south into South America and the Eastern seaboard and see the turtles in Costa Rica in the black sand beaches I thought maybe I’d be able to go to Turkey someday I had a passport before the hospital stole it but it’s never ever gotten punched I did but no it didn’t so no reason to have one now even if I were to go somewhere it would still be liable I guess with the birth certificate who knows these days can’t even seem to get out the door and down the street anymore don’t even have a will to run I’ve always had a will to run to run to the next more exciting thing or a moment glorious joyful moment looking for one trying to stay out of my body to the best of my ability and now these are dreams I thought maybe I would learn to surf one day you know and be able to carry a surfboard above my head now simple things just be able to do it once kind of thing might enjoy it found out a lot of things my perceptions were wrong about or how other people can perceive what you say I get to know a lot of things now how many folks number one biopsies hurt biopsies are not simple they’re not easy and they don’t work real well when they tell you one thing it’s absolutely wrong until because I guess they don’t want to tell you the truth and I’ve had a lot of different pains but you know I guess this isn’t any more than anything else except I did without sedation I always do anything I possibly can without sedation my mother’s a pill Popper it always has been anyways then I became one slightly or unsightly or as needed whatever with the perceptions of the white male universe that I lived in I believe I had the right to my body and always would and didn’t understand why I wouldn’t I thought I would build my own house at the end of my life exactly like I wanted it on my own land in my own space I really truly believe that I would be able to do that I built three different houses of renovated them since I was granddaughter of a masonic a sister. So you have to learn to do things by yourself or yourself as they beat you up and tear you down and abuse you in ways you could never imagine.
so things I always wanted to do well I’ve lived a while without a pet and it’s been the saddest thing I could do. My emotional support creature is a robe I have. You make do I started out with a blankie they took it away and disappeared it unraveled and I’m done from all the bleach in the Clorox in the hole anyway I remember it it had fans on it and flowers and quilted and just thin enough that you can carry it and it was big enough to cover me and at one point it wished you happy to carry I must have been really little.
things I always wanted to do well I’m not able now or maybe I wanted to get my driver’s license and have my own you know to duplex or something I lived in and I would maybe somebody would donate a vehicle to me or something so I could be a viable part of the community and God had different plans and maybe my wishes are coming true that I’m dying and that’s okay I had surgery my always wanted to go back to. The pain and living and and it’s gotten only worse and now the loneliness or the aloneness that one has with its memories is almost painful now it was giving me solace but now I’m finding pain in it so I must let go and let God take it and work it out for me and I will keep being here until I’m no longer here and that is the greatest thing I know that oh I haven’t been in bouncy houses and I’ve never golfed a teen holes and I know I’ve never been supported or love except for one moment in my life by a person that no longer exists or if they did they were lying to me the whole time for the day they say so now or not they’re saying so now so life has gotten quirky and weird and awful and atrocious and horrendous and I don’t think you can come back from a holocaust and obliterated heart you keep looking for joy and he keep pretending you can be that person again but that River would love yesterday it doesn’t exist anymore it just dried up and gone like Yellowstone national Park it changes every hour of every day one minute you know there’s a river in the creek in the next minute it’s called. I hope my death is easy on those and care I’ve tried to make it as easy as possible with finding out as much as possible since humans don’t have the right to die no they’re stupid law that make much sense will mercy kill a deer will mercy kill a dog or a cat but no mercy is it set upon humans at this time so trust your passion your Love your joy I pray that you all have had a good life in some way I hope in some way I have inspired or helped you help others even even if it’s the fake smile intention is all you need God bless us all
my hopes are now simple ones that I get to getting a boat and go out and see deer Island or something somewhere throw me in let me swim let me sit let me pee in the water one last time simple ones like I was a little girl just like the memories that I hold ironically so scary lady inside me we hope we don’t take nothing with us except what we left. I was hoping that maybe I’d be a teacher or just a woman’s history major and do some more art of course art is always the park nothing I’d rather do than get my fingers and paint and paint away but I can’t afford it and why even try there’s always been living within my means and I’m not even doing that so I pray that this finds you well and happy and joyous and remember these moments because they don’t come along and this may be the best time of your life live it