some evenings I’m busy I sometimes I’m asleep so it passes on by the deep and utter grief I know God should take it away but maybe doesn’t want it to go away because that’s the sadness he feels I don’t know any answers I know that I’m having to manage my own body and my own care and I’m not sure I care that much but I’m working very hard at managing it don’t know how much longer I have left on this Earth hopefully God will take me sooner than later my testimony is amazing I survive so many things and I’ve done so many things and I’ve enjoyed and seeing atrocities and experience the same atrocities but still conscious contact is always there somehow getting me through all this pain and suffering this lifetime of despair I’d like to be happy and joyous and free I really would it’s very difficult now with the pain levels and so many different types so many different people I get real conf on how to go on each moment so I cry and wait wait for some spiritual inspiration that’ll take me to someplace else you know we’re all nomadic we’re always moving you know for uncomfortable we get up get a cup of coffee or go to the bathroom move our leg or jump up and down our body is really our dashboard and it tells us when we run out of the wrong fuel it tells us so much and yet we still can’t hear it.
recently I’ve had problems with
with communication. I’d like it to be better with the pain levels all the different managers all the distant systems all the different ways life can get you the body is a messy thing life is a very very messy thing I reach out for prayer I reach out for love I reach out for someone to hold me one last time that pretend I knew what love was one last time. But that’s not going to happen cuz my body is deformed and it hurts constantly people can’t touch me because it hurts my skin hurts my insides hurt my outside hurts and then people and communication hurts a lot but you’re not understood you know when you’re not understood hurts the worst when that’s not what you meant or what they’re perceiving is it what you said or meant to say it say and they go on like they want to argue and I can’t argue no more it hurts so worse why spend the time and effort I have this whining machine that I get to talk to you express myself see if anybody’s checking me out I have a possibility in my life and I don’t know what it is I don’t know if I’m just going to be a honest we’re set you know thought the lottery ticket and died the next day so they call it what the evening blues or some problems diagnosis when the Sun starts to set and I I so enjoy the evening and the night time yeah I’m alone I’m alone a lot a lot of people are alone anyways I pray that you all have a great night I pray that the love and light then you should come to pass in this world may and if not in this world I pray that I may see the next one as soon as heavenly possible because I’m so tired of this pain