today

who and where I used to be who and what and how many people I’ve been in my life in just the 60 years I’ve been here life is sucks that’s what a friend says hold on to Jesus will be all right that’s what a song says. Do and have I ever felt peace that surpasses understanding of course it resides in me always I pray I’ve been praying all my life praying since I was a baby with all the strife now I’m old and I’m really really old I feel like 150 if that’s 150 feels like I have claws for hands that hurt like hell no matter if you touch them or whatever you do I have f***** up and no that’s not what I said but that’s talking text I said I bucked up. I have 35 years in recovered alcoholic and methamphetamine was it the drugs of choice for the time and place it was in and that situation probably probably but that was then this is now I have to stay present all those days are gone but that’s all I think about now as I lay here alone for the next 60 something hours but I can go outside and the wind’s going to blow you never never never know so babe taking all away and I just lie here for hours and like I’m supposed to or get up everyone or 2 hours all night long all day through each time losing a little bit more in a little bit more as I waste away down to probably 85 lb or so now maybe less probably much less after this weekend so we’ll see what happens maybe if I make it godspeed if I don’t. God sees all these things and makes them new I’ve been so many things to so many people and shared my thoughts shared my life experience and that’s all. I’ve been cautious but stupid and naive I’ve been ignorant I’ve been many things to many people and they’ve taken advantage of me maybe that I was that’s what I was here for something to show that the United States of America is a falsity. It’s music is based in so many cultures that was brought up from so many lands and I always go back to music cuz I love to sing and dance play in the wind look at butterflies learn learn learn learn learn I’ll learn up to the moment I pass which by 70 lb I haven’t been under so I don’t know what happens then they say they need a diagnosis to help me really the diagnosis to treat me well and be kind they have one or two different cancers they want to diagnose with a invasive biopsy which is going to hurt I’m already in so much pain as I cry out to God every moment of every day I’m big and I please honor him drinking small but I can’t do it all no more I can’t do it no more I’m not who I used to be I’m a lump people have to clean take care of I have the indignities and lost all civil rights so long ago there really is an idiot anyways cuz I’m a woman I came in this body as a woman it’s a painful thing to be a woman but a woman that went through so much so young I see the children want mine and I know I’ll damage I’ve had and it makes me sad to see what a child how abused I was and I didn’t even know it how was that to honor my mother my father do everything I could and I felt was true sincere attentive intentional forgiveness but I got bald instead. I may have said enough enough is enough I’d like to put Friday to bed but it’s not time my body gets tired and then something happens I hear something something wakes me something whatever my body and getting to a toilet being able to get to a toilet cleaning myself I’m going to try that’s all I know I always do I laid down with roaches and and Nevada I found out about homeless shelters and 501s and 503s and 401 five two caves I don’t know I don’t know anymore y’all have initials of the Yang Yang man they Don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got that thing hahaha Fred shut it down now I don’t know where Fred is at but he’s out there you know still alive and kicking in this one misogynistic ways misogynistic I pray for him I said love to all that have loved or tried to love me it seems futile relationships don’t work with me and my body and my needs or wants or desires my directions are ways we’ll all go away when I’m gone oh my paintings will be here and I’ve been down my blood sweat tears you just don’t know what’s in them paintings you know.