dog Days in August without a dog

dogs go off and die most animals do we don’t let humans though we like to bother them we like to fix them we like to fix them so much they get to suffer and below and live below income while those wonderful people with hands and feet and hey even the vets they’ve got their own program where they give it to their own but see little children with disease that are abandoned we grow up and we become the invisible that panhandle or you see hiding out under a shade tree or even getting beat up and no one’s going to do anything about it. We live with the PTSD of this country we live with the unfairness that prevails human kind. We know we live in America, no we live in America I can’t even leave the place it seems I’ve tried I have had so many things happened to me I guess if I wanted to be modeled after those that came before me that had more to offer they had legs to walk they had hands to move they had something more than I will ever have. I have tried to be everything at any moment represented well I’m denied my own pain and my own existence. I have been abandoned a strange beaten up raped and too many other things to say at this time I can’t get it right they say. I can’t be this and I can’t be that I try I really do try to be a good mother a good daughter doing all the things that a good wife does. Whether I liked it or not whether I enjoyed it or my body just did how many times have I put my so-called feelings on the back burner so I could understand. I find understanding is the greatest word of all time to understand means you had set with someone that’s hurting and not expect a damn thing. I’m so tired I’m so exhausted I even forget to pray to die each night. I don’t sleep except for about 2 hours sometimes I have a few days a month where I be and I can take my own shower even try to brush my teeth I know it sounds really disgusting but that’s what it is to be me. I think that pretty much tells me who I am painted suffering yes I’ve done it that travel done everything I could possibly do to help myself and others. Only to find out that where the bullet hits the bone there was nobody home for me just Christ they say he’s taking care of me since day one funny but my story is not in the Bible probably in some Germanic or toric Torah or Pappas who knows maybe my story doesn’t matter. You can’t make a wish Saint Jude never worked otherwise after 50 years we’d see change. We now have a woman that’s going to try to be president once again but hey we better in war for a long long time and it’s amazing a woman can be I guess it’s very confusing at this time since we have no rights to our bodies that she could be and will be the next president of the United States I’ve waited. I’m waiting to see change in America to see someone that understands me I have lied to myself and accepted what God gave me or my higher power. I was told a long time ago but this part of my life would happen and someone would be there for me they were not they lied. Maybe they forgot I don’t know or maybe bigger things happen like bite it out she wasn’t your mother after all she was exactly what every relationship told you she was a mean psychotic hurt person creature that presents well to the outside world and says all the right things but behind closed doors or even The whispers in your ears she’s evil. So I’m supposed to pray for that and forgive that don’t really understand all that I’ve tried one moment I can and the next moment the pictures come the PTSD all it takes is a certain sound a certain noise a certain argument a certain day it don’t matter don’t have a dog to take it away. Came back thinking I was maybe going to own a home but live a little bit by a place I love. We’re me and my dog we’re happy and I learned a heck of a lot but I couldn’t afford so I had to make new choices choose my family. Try to live within my means which isn’t much below property for so long it gets to you poverty not property then own any property God great spirit how can anybody own property oh yeah because women 2/3 of the global population are owned whether they like it or not whether they concede it or not I pray that we are at the end of times I could not last another year and this abhorrent world this America what’s patriotic I learned the allegiance is false I learned the history of the mystery and unfortunately I learned my own they are not moments of joy in my life there are not moments of pleasantness there are moments I’ve tried to make pleasant there are moments I have tried to remember because I knew that paid would overcome everything else and it does I work hard and flying away from this world and trying to remember that feeling catch an air being free. I have asked people to assisted helping me trustworthy people I thought only to find out they were judgmental. Hypocrites that’s all I’ve ever lived with I guess I’ve looked all over for some truth and then when I think I have it it’s gone it’s somebody says their truth is better well that’s probably true you don’t live in my shoes oh yeah I can’t I can’t even speculate on what’s going to happen tomorrow but I have to remember after work hard I have to do what day I have to know how to take my medicines I have to know if I’m going to get up and if I don’t get up what am I going to do I have to argue with doctors I stayed away from doctors for so long just every 6 months. And before that while I was a truck driver and denied my JRA not really possible but in reality but on paper sure so I didn’t go to the doctor I just went to a chiropractor to help me and my disease. So now I go slowly insane not far for me I’ve been called crazy since I was a little child I think it had to be crazy and something comes to you and you think you can handle your world you think you want to go through the door but you’re held already by these ties is family never supportive always derogatory no wonder I let people beat me up and then give the money or whatever they may need food a ride but I’ll try to do is find somebody that might know me but doesn’t matter if anybody knows you the world’s a scary place in every moment is scarier than the next. If I did easy people want to come back to your life and make you like them if they haven’t walked in your shoes they haven’t heard that crack they haven’t felt that blood they haven’t slept on the street with a strange man just to stay warm they haven’t set a fire with diapers because that’s how you call 911 at least that’s what the police officer said. They haven’t had their mother say they hated you. They haven’t had your brothers say you are nothing and you never will be anything at least to them but they do seem to take up a lot of rent a lot of space in my head yes I pray that it would go away but it doesn’t. Around the next quarter if I move just the wrong way I scream I scream and pain but I have to keep it quiet so I can’t scream down baby I’ll get to scream later. A baby’s got it for real they get to scream all they want and cry and nobody gets a rat’s ass oh I guess they do that’s why they’re constantly trying to figure out what’s wrong with them they say children cry to help their lungs my body weeps while I’m asleep so I put too much water in it the pain it goes up thought goes down the ability to even get up is taxing. I would love all these people that I am supposed to forgive to spend any time in my shoes any at all cuz the way they talk what I’ve seen on All these reality shows not one of them has someone like me. You have to wait for the commercial for Saint Jude or make a wish or cancer research or hey and he cute give us money. But the panhandler the guy the wheelchair the woman you talk down to you roll up your windows you can’t think of a moment all I can think of when I was in the car was what did I have in there I could give them. That’s who I am I thought that was the kind of Christ like life you were supposed to leave lead I’m sorry by text to talk or talk to text or by inability to speak appropriately seems to be inherent in everything I do. So I might have to wait till the afterlife for anybody to actually understand feel me understand but they say nothing nothing compares to the guy that died on the cross. I’d love to know if you think that’s true. I don’t even know who I’m talking to but I need to put a tag on here in a category for the handicap the disabled the misunderstood cuz they can’t speak the people that can’t hear or choose not to it seems like we have a lot more of the ladder latter. Everybody’s got a story of how it’s all going to work out or not work out. I pray to die each and every moment of each and every day I pray that I don’t have to relive these visions I have we live yes cuz that’s what you do with PTSD you relive them so join the club doesn’t cost you anything scars mental physical it doesn’t matter. Thanks for letting me pay for $2 maybe it’s $9.